and then the witch doctor, he told me what to do

ooh ee, ooh ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang! (kudos to you if you get that reference) guess what i did to calm the eff down and get motivated again?! naw naw, i didnt go see a witch doctor. but i did go see a doctor of oriental medicine!

some of you might be saying “why would you go to a doctor of oriental medicine?” good question. i went because i wanted acupuncture. thats right, acupuncture. i have heard from multiple sources that this thing does wonders for your mind, stress relief, aches and pains. so i decided i would give it a whirl and looked up acupuncturists in the area. there were only two offered under my insurance and naturally, i decided to call the one that i would later find out is super sketchy.

i knew this event would be an adventure from the moment the doctor said “hello?!”

*ring, ring, ring, ring

dr. : “hello?!”

me: “umm..hi. dr.?”

dr.: “yes! who is this?!”

me: “hi, my name is sara.”

dr.:”okay. what you need?”

me: “well i am really stressed out because im going to take my boards in two weeks and i hold the stress in my shoulders and lower back.”

dr.: “what?!”

me: ” im stressed out and have pain.”

dr.: “okay! you need acupuncture to relax! okay! what time you want?”

me: “its really up t…”

dr.: “tomorrow at 10:30!”

me: “okay, that works.”

dr.: “hold on. you talk to her now.”

i learned that “her” is his secretary.

so not being told any procedures to adhere to or to avoid, when i woke up i followed my normal routine. i made coffee, ate breakfast, checked my email and showered. after that i got in my car and proceeded to drive to a shady part of las vegas.

for those of you that arent familiar with the vegas metro area, ANYTHING AROUND THE STRIP IS SHADY! not joking. the strip and surrounding area is one of the most dangerous parts of the city. tu pac got shot a couple streets down from the strip. the childrens hospital was 200 yards away from dr.’s office. EVERYONE knows that the childrens hospital is always in shady downtown areas. gotta run down neighborhood filled with drug lords and hookers? LETS PUT A CHILDRENS HOSPITAL IN THE MIDDLE AND SCARE ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE! im not saying if you go down around that area youre going to get shot, im just letting you know its no freaking suburbia.

so as i pass the childrens hospital, i see another tower of office bulildings and automatically think thats it. but its not. no sign for acupuncture and the address was a couple numbers off. so i keep driving to a smaller complex of buildings, think thats it, but miss the turn. so i think to myself “ill just take the next right at this pawn shop and will flip around.” as im turning the corner, i noticed a huge sign reading “ACUPUNCTURE.”

“shit. this is it.”

first of all, when i said that there was a pawn shop in front of it, im not joking. they shared a parking lot. secondly, it was sandwiched nicely between aforementioned pawn shop, and the shadiest neighborhood that i refused to attend to. i was too busy noticing that the ENTIRE building was encased in a gated fence.

so i get out of my car, find the front, heavy wooden doors, and go to pull them open. they do not pull open. i shift my gaze down a couple inches and notice a yellow sticky note taped to the door that says “open here” next to a door knob. that had been installed. under the giant iron work door handles. once i made my way inside and my eyes had adjusted, i stood there, standing awestruck by the amount of wood panelling, piled up books, and pieces of loose paper that looked like they had survived hurricane katrina. the only thing that didnt make me say “fuck this” as i ran out the door was the, and im not joking, 10+ certificates, diplomas and licensure plastered on his walls. a little less resentfully, i made my way to the reception desk to sign in and was met by the tiniest asain man.

asain man aka dr.: “morning! you new here?”

me: “yes.”

dr.: “okay! you have insurance? sign these!”

i hand him my drivers license and insurance card, and sit down on the surprisingly comfortable circa 1970s sectional couch to fill out the papers. by the time i had finished, “her” had returned to her desk to take my paperwork. right as i was about to ask a question about payment, dr. took me back to the smallest patient room, filled with a massage table, a chair, a stool for him, a heater lamp, another lamp, and a table piled with pillows, cds, a cd player and more books.

he invites me to sit in the chair and tells me “its nice to meet you” as we dive into the pre-therapeutic interview. i explain to him again why im seeing him and with every word i get a nod and an enthusiastic “uh huh.” he asks me if i have any other medical issues, on any medication, the whole nine yeards. then he stands up and says

“okay. do you have underwear on? you need to take these off (pointing to my pants) and you need to take this off (pointing to my cardigan).”

lucky for him i DID put underwear on that day.

so dr. steps out, i take off the articles of clothing he required me to doff, put on the gown that was on the table, and lay face down on the massage table. for those of you who have never laid on a massage table face down, all you can see is the floor. your face is in a freaking ring the side of a childs inflatable pool floatie so you are completely dependent upon your hearing. all i can hear through the thin panelled walls is metal banging against metal, and the drop of tiny needles into something else metal. next thing i know, dr. has a cart full of stuff on it that i could barely see cause i took my glasses off, and is poking needles into my lower back.

(side note: if you are EVER going to do something to someone, especially if you know its their first time doing it, explain to them what the hell youre going to do instead of just diving in. thank you.)

so as he is pushing needles in to my lower back, neck, arms, wrist, legs, ankles and the back of my head, we strike up a conversation about his family, my family, and education. after that conversation fizzled, he tells me that the needles are to help “improve circulation and make mind work better. for wisdom.” he also lets me know hes been practicing acupuncture for 45 years. finally, a win for sara.

so after hes done putting the needles in my body, he hooks up e-stim to some of the needles in my back and upper neck. he asks me if i can feel it and if the amount is right. i tell him yes. he turns on some music, tells me to relax, and that he will be back in about 20 min. after about 5 min, i couldnt tell if the e-stim had stopped or if my body became accoustomed to it. all i knew was that i was to remain very still, and just be.

when dr. came back, he removed the e-stim, removed the needles, and ran what felt like a gigantic stuffed animal dildo on my back. scared the shit outta me. turns out it was a back massager from way back in the day that had some faux-fur looking thing on the bottom. prolly dead animal or something. after he used the dead animal dildo for about 10 seconds, the next thing i know, i hear more banging, and then things are being suctioned onto my back, arms, and legs. im not sure why, but the first thing that came to mind was that i had super sized chip clips clamped to my back fat. turns out it was those glass cup things that they heat up and it sticks to your skin. 10 mins later the majority of them had fallen off and dr. came back and told me to roll onto my back. it was time for the needles in my face.

to clarify, i did not look like this.

i looked like this.

see the difference?

except i didnt have them near my nose. i had the one under the lip, about 3 between my eyebrows, on my temples, and all over my forehead and top of my head. 10 mins later, dr. was yanking them out and telling me to put my pants back on. as you wish, fair sir.  after dr. had left the room, i went to go stand up, became dizzy and felt super off balance. instead of sitting down and slowly lifting to my feet, i decided to do a little happy dance because it was working! the circulation was opening up! i was going to be a super genius!

so i put my pants back on and walked to the front desk to finally ask about my payment. dr. lets me know that insurance is going to cover the session but i need to pay the deductable.

“its $70 for session and then these are herbal supplements to make your mind better, so $110 total. take 2 pills 3 times a day. makes mind better.”

“umm, what? herbal supplements? i just signed on for the needles in the face, guy” is what i wanted to say. instead, i just gave him a weird look and mustered “herbs?”

“yes. just herbs. helps mind and circulation.”

“okay…”

look at the herbal supplements. they come in 1. the most genaric bottles ever with hand written labels (in kanji and english, thankyouverymuch!)

and 2. were obviously self encapsulated.

there could be anything in there! roofies! meth! adderal! cayenne pepper!

so of course i paid for them instead of telling him i didnt need them. i still think theyre kinda sketchy but hey! if it helps me pass the boards, i dont care whats in those bad boys. i only have to take 12 of them each day. no biggie.

although this was the strangest doctor appointment i had ever had in my young life, i have felt the benefits from his treatment already. im less cranky. i feel less anxious and stressed out. my mind feels more clear. theres less to no pain in my back and shoulders. the herbs havent given me any weird side effects…yet…

im fully aware that all of this could be in my mind, that i could be conjuring up the effects that its given me, but hey, if i believe that its working, its going to and that cant hurt. chalk this girl up as a natural remedy fan.